So a couple weeks ago I took my kids out to eat. Just me and 3 boys... fun stuff. Never a dull moment, let me tell ya. So they're being a tad obnoxious, but I'm keeping them under control. Well, Ryan, my 9-year-old, asks the server for another chocolate milk. He was polite and nice. She brings it back and he says "spank you". She says "you're welcome" and walks away. We crack up, I couldn't even help it. "Spank you". Yes, makes a mother proud.
Have you ever watched people walk? It's actually pretty interesting. Even watching my son walk is interesting! He has this "gait" about him, but he tries pretty hard to be cool. It's funny when he forgets his belt though because he walks with his hands in his pocket to keep them up. My neighbor, an old guy, walks with these short, fast steps, like he's constipated. Then there's a woman I work with, she walks like a bulldozer. And is just as dangerous if you get in her way. Many a-bowl of soup hath been spilled because of her. It's funny to watch women in high heels... who can't walk in high heels. Yes, heels are very feminine and I understand if you want to come pick up your kid from school in a fur coat and high-heeled boots, but maybe you should practice a little more before you try to stumbe through the parking lot. Just sayin'.
So Christmas is upon us. Way too soon, if you ask me. I see Christmas decorations all over, and it's not even Thanksgiving yet! I started early, but haven't gotten too much accomplished yet. My youngest, Devin, will be easy. He's 4, he's not that picky. Alex, my 12-year-old, is the picky one. Ryan will be easy this year, luckily. He's usually the hardest to shop for, mostly because he's into something new every week. This year all he wants is money and crabs. (Hey, that's what most hookers will get for Christmas this year!) I had little Fiddler crabs when I was younger and they're pretty cool, so I'll get him a couple of those. He loves his pets. We have a cat that's technically his and he has an iguana at his dad's. That's a good thing though.
For preschool, Devin has to take in a picture of his family. Well, I have a ton of pictures of the kids, but none really of all of us. We don't live with their dad, but we get along ok so I told him yesterday that he needs to take family picture to school. His reply? "You better find a family then." Har, har. So I have to bust out the tripod and get a pic of us today sometime. I need to get my camera out anyway. I love photography, but just haven't had the time to do much with it lately.
Well, that's all I got. I have dishes and laundry to do. Not to mention freaking homework. I have a 1,000-page essay to write, a PowerPoint to do and I have to design a prison. It's gonna be a busy day.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Monday, November 8, 2010
A Little Inside Look. Way Inside.
Well, today's been interesting, and it's not even noon. (Regardless of what my time stamp thingy on the bottom says... it's wrong.) Let me start off by revealing a few things about myself that few people know. Very few. But what the hell.
Mental health issues seem to be taboo, even today, so maybe I can be one of the few to step up and talk about some of those issues. Besides, I'm getting really tired of hiding them. I'm 34 years old, it's about time.
I'm bipolar, first of all. It's very difficult to deal with and makes my life challenging. I also have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). This one isn't so well-known, but is also difficult to deal with. No, I don't have a split personality, even though some people might say that's what it sounds like. It's more of a self-image problem. Basically, I have no idea who the hell I am. (Ha!) Really though, that's how it makes you feel. It can be very frustrating and depressing. The causes of BPD aren't chemical like bipolar. It's basically an adaptive disorder that's picked up during childhood. When a child grows up in an environment where they have to gauge adults' moods and adapt accordingly in order to "survive", they lose who they really are and who they should have become. It's sad, actually. Anyway, the third issue with me is depression. I'm a life-long sufferereerer (too many letters?) of depression and have been on different medications throughout the years. Since I was 13, in fact. I had some serious problems back then, especially, but at least my mother had enough brain power to get me a little help.... at least.
So with those 3 things, my life hasn't been the best, hasn't been the happiest, but I'm a survivor. I could've gone down the wrong path many times.... many wrong paths. I could be a lot worse and I could be a lot worse of a mother to my kids. However, although I'm not perfect, I'm much better than my mother was. I try very hard to be a good mom........... and it usually IS hard because of the problems I have. But I'll never give up.
Anyway, back to my interesting morning. I actually started going back to therapy recently. I've gone off and on over the years and I'm smart enough to realize when I need a little help with my issues. Which would be now, lol. So during my appointment this morning I found out something new about myself that I didn't realize. Something that explains a lot. And something that adds to my list of problems.
I have ADD.
Now, this disorder is nothing new to me because my 9-year-old son has ADD, too. (Now I understand 100% WHY he has it.) So I see it in my son. However, I don't act like a 9-year-old (hopefully), so seeing it in him and seeing it in myself are 2 entirely different things. It's a little more subtle with me. Actually, my regular doctor had brought it up before, that I might have it, but I thought there was no way. It's so obvious in my son, SURELY I'd recognize it if I had it! Yeah, not so much. This explains why my memory is SO bad though. Luckily, I'm not getting Alzheimer's at the ripe old age of 34, like I was afraid of. This is also why my brain is always on overdrive. (Hence the puking.) It explains a lot more things, too.
So hearing this diagnosis and making an appointment to get on meds for this, too, has brought about some mixed feelings. By nature, I'm a negative person, but I'm REALLY trying to stay positive! I mean, this isn't necessarily a good thing, it's not like they make balloons for mental disorders like they do for someone having a baby. ("It's a personality disorder!!") But really, it is what it is. I have it. The good thing is that I know now why certain things are wrong with me.... and they can be fixed! I won't have to struggle so much to remember things, especially in school. This is a good thing. This is why I'm trying not to be negative about the fact that I have it. I already had it, I've had it for years, so I shouldn't let a label bother me. I'm just happy there's something that can be done about it.
So if you do find one one of those balloons, feel free to send me one. :)
Mental health issues seem to be taboo, even today, so maybe I can be one of the few to step up and talk about some of those issues. Besides, I'm getting really tired of hiding them. I'm 34 years old, it's about time.
I'm bipolar, first of all. It's very difficult to deal with and makes my life challenging. I also have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). This one isn't so well-known, but is also difficult to deal with. No, I don't have a split personality, even though some people might say that's what it sounds like. It's more of a self-image problem. Basically, I have no idea who the hell I am. (Ha!) Really though, that's how it makes you feel. It can be very frustrating and depressing. The causes of BPD aren't chemical like bipolar. It's basically an adaptive disorder that's picked up during childhood. When a child grows up in an environment where they have to gauge adults' moods and adapt accordingly in order to "survive", they lose who they really are and who they should have become. It's sad, actually. Anyway, the third issue with me is depression. I'm a life-long sufferereerer (too many letters?) of depression and have been on different medications throughout the years. Since I was 13, in fact. I had some serious problems back then, especially, but at least my mother had enough brain power to get me a little help.... at least.
So with those 3 things, my life hasn't been the best, hasn't been the happiest, but I'm a survivor. I could've gone down the wrong path many times.... many wrong paths. I could be a lot worse and I could be a lot worse of a mother to my kids. However, although I'm not perfect, I'm much better than my mother was. I try very hard to be a good mom........... and it usually IS hard because of the problems I have. But I'll never give up.
Anyway, back to my interesting morning. I actually started going back to therapy recently. I've gone off and on over the years and I'm smart enough to realize when I need a little help with my issues. Which would be now, lol. So during my appointment this morning I found out something new about myself that I didn't realize. Something that explains a lot. And something that adds to my list of problems.
I have ADD.
Now, this disorder is nothing new to me because my 9-year-old son has ADD, too. (Now I understand 100% WHY he has it.) So I see it in my son. However, I don't act like a 9-year-old (hopefully), so seeing it in him and seeing it in myself are 2 entirely different things. It's a little more subtle with me. Actually, my regular doctor had brought it up before, that I might have it, but I thought there was no way. It's so obvious in my son, SURELY I'd recognize it if I had it! Yeah, not so much. This explains why my memory is SO bad though. Luckily, I'm not getting Alzheimer's at the ripe old age of 34, like I was afraid of. This is also why my brain is always on overdrive. (Hence the puking.) It explains a lot more things, too.
So hearing this diagnosis and making an appointment to get on meds for this, too, has brought about some mixed feelings. By nature, I'm a negative person, but I'm REALLY trying to stay positive! I mean, this isn't necessarily a good thing, it's not like they make balloons for mental disorders like they do for someone having a baby. ("It's a personality disorder!!") But really, it is what it is. I have it. The good thing is that I know now why certain things are wrong with me.... and they can be fixed! I won't have to struggle so much to remember things, especially in school. This is a good thing. This is why I'm trying not to be negative about the fact that I have it. I already had it, I've had it for years, so I shouldn't let a label bother me. I'm just happy there's something that can be done about it.
So if you do find one one of those balloons, feel free to send me one. :)
Friday, November 5, 2010
I'm a Server on the Edge, I tell ya!
I hate my job. I didn't used to, I liked it for a while. I'm a server, by the way, at an Italian restaurant that's family-owned. I work for Italians. Like, real native Italians who grew up there, speak the language and didn't come to America until their 20s I believe. So basically, they're clueless. They don't realize that this is an entirely different culture with different "standards" and "rules". They don't understand that they need to conform to those "standards" (as far as a business is concerned) or they won't be successful. And they're on the verge of not being so. Customers are unhappy, employees are unhappy, but their egos prevent them from giving a shit. Oh, not to mention greed. Greedy little fuckers, they are.
But yeah, I hate my job. Thank god for fake cockroaches.
Besides all that, I hate people. I hate serving people. I hate people leaving me crappy tips. This would explain my Halloween costume, actually. I was a disgruntled server. Well ok, it was more like disgruntled cocktail waitress, but people got the point. Let's see if I can get a picture on here.... Aaaaaand I can't. I got it on the page, but it's clear at the top, wtf. Ok, anyway, I had on a bloody shirt with a knife in my apron and a tray that had a bowl of bloody brains and eyeballs (they were gummy and edible!) and a severed hand with $2.00 in it. Gosh darn lousy tippers. I thought it was pretty good though. It was funny because when I was out, some guy put a $5 bill on my tray and said "Bud Light". Dude actually thought I worked there, haha! And somehow I ended up with an additional $8.00 on my tray at the end of the night... and I don't remember how this happened... But I digress...
So yeah, I hate my job. But the good thing is that I like the other servers. Barely, but I like them. And they're fun. And fake cockroaches scare them, which is also fun. The food is pretty good there, too, that's a plus. Well, unless you're on a diet (*ahem*), then it's not such a "plus". Unless you're speaking in pounds.
*Side note: Have you noticed I'm writing in spurts? Like this. And this. My thoughts are a bit choppy today, sorry.*
So yeah, I hate my job. Have I mentioned this? Seriously, working with the general public grows on you. Like a festering fungus. (Hey, that'd be a good punk rock band name.) It changes you a little and makes you dislike people. A lot. Well, some servers anyway, I know that there are certain types of people who can make a career out of serving. There's a term for them.... what is it again?.......... Oh yeah: INSANE. I've served off and on for about 10 years, and I've been at this particular job for just over 3.... and I can't take much more. And I only work weekends right now because between 3 kids and school, it doesn't leave much time. I do ok though. Besides not having a weekend. But it certainly motivates me when it comes to school, it's my ticket out!
But yeah, I hate my job. Thank god for fake cockroaches.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Under Construction
I've always been a "writer". Ever since I was like, 9. I even did the AOL Journal thing with two different blogs. I had a normal (well, figuratively speaking) blog, and I had a photo blog. I miss them. So it's been a while since I've done this and I find that starting another one is a little challenging, for some reason. I've already started and deleted my first entry about four times so far. I think it's writer's block or something.
Anyway, it might take me a while to get back into the swing of things, to get comfortable here. But hopefully I'll have old friends and new who don't mind my brain puke....
Anyway, it might take me a while to get back into the swing of things, to get comfortable here. But hopefully I'll have old friends and new who don't mind my brain puke....
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